MESSY DRAFT

How to....

Sometimes husbands can be very irritating. Particularly, when there are plenty of household chores to do and it seems like the only person contributing to the work is you. In your haste to get the work done, you might end up irritating him, unintentionally, or is it really this way? What follows is a process that is guaranteed to irritate your husband, unintentionally, of course.
It’s Saturday morning, and you have household chores to do. Begin with laundry because if you wait too long, you will not be able to find enough empty washers and dryers at the laundromat. Intentionally separate your soiled laundry into four neat piles: whites, colors, darks, and most importantly, reds. Reds? Your husband is going to respond to that fourth pile by telling you that you don’t know how to do laundry because no one ever taught you how to do laundry correctly. No one in the world does reds separately. In fact, he’s going to have to call his mother so that she can explain to you how proper laundry is done. He’s also going to remind you that your made-up pile is costing the two of you extra money—extra money that you don’t have. His way of doing laundry is the right way, and he will suggest, once again, that you stick to his simple two-load plan of lights and darks. Completely ignore his suggestions.
Back in your apartment, while you are waiting for your loads to finish, you’re going to get the munchies. You will be in need of a snack. Go through your entire pantry until your eyes come across your husband’s only bag of gourmet chocolate chip cookies. You’ll note that the bag only contains a total of eight cookies; the wash will last about a half hour, so go ahead and treat yourself to all eight cookies. You are not to blame that the bag only contains eight cookies.
Once your break is over, begin cleaning the kitchen. Your apartment kitchen is so small that it won’t take you long to wash the dishes and clean the stove. While cleaning the kitchen, you will notice that the trash needs emptying. Call on your husband who is busy playing video games, to empty the trash. He will tell you that he will do it in a minute.
Now that you have cleaned the kitchen you’ll realize that the bathroom floor could use some cleaning too. While you are cleaning the bathroom, you’ll realize that the bathroom waste basket needs emptying too. Call out to your husband that the bathroom waste basket needs emptying too. He’ll tell you that he will do it soon also.
You’ve had your snack, it’s now time to go get your laundry. Ask your husband for any quarters he might have for the dryer. He’ll say that he just gave you twenty dollars worth only two weeks ago. “What have you done with all the money?” he’ll ask. Remind him that you have an extra unconventional load—the reds. He will hand you the last of his quarters for the dryer. Grab your laundry basket and head to the laundromat. Put all four loads into four dryers. The drying time will be about forty-five minutes, so you now have extra time to do some more chores at home.
Begin by emptying the kitchen and bathroom waste baskets. Place new trash bags into both waste baskets, and carry the bags of waste into the outdoor waste receptacle. Now that you have done that, grab hangers for the brassieres that you brought with you to air dry. Those do not go in the dryer, so you must hang them in your closet to dry. You will need about ten to fifteen hangers. You won’t find enough on your side of the closet, so you must grab the unoccupied hangers on your husband’s side of the closet. It’s time to grab your clothes in the laundromat.
Place the four loads of laundry on top of your bed. You will need to store some of the clothes in the closet, so look for the remainder of empty hangers in the closet. Grab all the empty hangers you can find, and begin by hanging your clothes first. Interrupt your husband’s video game one more time by asking that he help you by putting his own clothes away. He will help you in a minute. In the meantime, continue to hang your clothes in the closet. Eventually, you are going to run out of hangers, and you will be forced to fold the rest of your laundry. Place whatever laundry fits in your dresser and pile the rest neatly on top of the large boxes filled with your shoes in the closet. In due time your husband will grow tired of his video game, and he will rise to put his clothes away. “Where are all the hangers!?” he will ask. Remind him that you don’t have enough hangers, and that you were forced to pile some of your clothes on top of the boxes in the closet. He will notice that you grabbed the empty hangers on his side of the closet too. Tell him it is not your fault that you don’t have enough hangers in the closet. Angrily, he will then point out the fact that your belongings take up about three-fourths of your walk-in closet. He will remind you that he has never seen you wear half the clothes you have stored in the closet or wear all the shoes that you own. He doesn’t understand that a girl needs to have many pairs of shoes that she will never wear. Tell him that it’s not your fault that he doesn’t have as many clothes and shoes as you do. He will say that he doesn’t have any room in the dresser or the closet to place his clean laundry. Tell him he will just have to pile it neatly on top of your large shoe boxes until he buys more hangers.
Before the day is over, your husband will come to appreciate all the work you have done on this day. He’s going to give you a kiss on the cheek, tell you you’ve done a good job and suggest that the two of you take a break together—you from chores and he from video games—by sharing some gourmet chocolate chip cookies together. Cookies? You’ll think to yourself. Who buys a package of cookies that come eight to a bag?